I have to admit, I'm way too sensitive and way too passionate on this one. But it hurts to be told that you don't trust God because of your beliefs in this area.

Let me share a little of my history. When I was first married, I had my first miscarriage at around age 21. And then another - and then I stopped ovulating. At 23 I started fertility treatments (didn't trust God with my fertility, after all, it is God who opens and shuts the womb).

Every single month - my body betrayed me.

At 26 I conceived twins. I had an ultrasound that showed 2 heartbeats, 2 forms. Blood tests showed that my progesterone level was dangerously low (that level would not have kept me from having contractions and miscarriage) so I had hormone injections (another case of not trusting God with my female parts) to bring that level up...then I had a little bit of bleeding and then were was one. at 18 1/2 weeks I started bleeding and had another ultrasound - and then there were none.

After that, tests showed that I had cysts on both ovaries, one didn't work at all and on the opposite side the fallopian tube was blocked with scars (remember, it's God that shuts the womb). I had a "procedure" that hopefully opened the tube enough to work.

More cycles and more drugs later, I conceived another set of twins. More progesterone, more ultrasounds. At about 10 weeks, the first twin died, but the second one hung on. I had gestational diabetes, eclampsia, stomach bleeding from heartburn. I was sick all the time (gained a total of 4 pounds). At 32 weeks went into labor and (after 11 hours of labor) had a C-section. My son weighed in at 3lb.13oz.

After that, I had exactly 1 cycle the first year. I took birth control pills for three months (along with a barrier method), hoping to shock my system into thinking it was at least somewhat normal.

But no...after another three months my doctor prescribed provera (5 pills, etc.). This is where I can testify before God that if you ask Him for wisdom and guidance - yes, even in the reproductive area, He will guide you. We prayed and felt that (although I had the pills in my hand) that I wasn't supposed to take them. Instead, I asked for a pregnancy test. Bingo.

It was actually the birth control pills that (the month after I quit taking them) had my system in enough of a groove that I ovulated. The preganancy was a little worse than the first one...but Amanda was born at 37 weeks.

After that - I made everybody a little nuts, wondering every month. My husband was 10 years older than I and he remembered his father (who had children later in life) and, for reasons of his own, didn't want more children. We prayed and God led us to choose sterilization. Yes, I believe that God knew what was coming and led us to that decision (ask for wisdom). It gave me peace of mind - no more battles with my body (at least in that arena, othe battles go on).

My kids are 18 and 16 now and my husband is gone (really gone). I don't regret any of the choices that were made.

I trusted God to help me make the right choice when I bought my house, my car, when I got my job and when I had my children.

If God were to drop another child (or 4) into my lap, I'd be thrilled. But as it stands right now, these 2 will be my "onlies". And you know what? That's ok.