Author Archives: MzEllen, posted from my iPad

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Here's the "usual" morning.

Coffee maker is prepared the night before and on a timer. Cream is in the cup and in the fridge (plastic cup so the heat won't kill it)

My downstairs neighbors work 3rd shift and get home about 5 minutes before the alarm goes off (I can tell because the dogs get active) and that means I have a little bit of time to stretch and pray before I have to hit the floor. I've set the alarm to go off 30 minutes before I have to get ready for work (coffee,internet,pain time)

The alarm goes off and I swing my feet out of bed. My foot hits the floor and it starts. The place on my butt gets sore and my leg is tingly down to the knee. Before I get to the bedroom door, I'm tingly all the way down to my feet. By the time I get to the bathroom, the back of my leg feels like somebody's hitting me with a baseball bat.

Back in the kitchen: coffee in the creamer, neurantin (600 mg), ibuprofen (800 mg) and vicodine (5 mg) - at the worst of it, I was taking 5 Ibuprofen a day and 6 vicodine. I started with 300 mg. of the neurantin, working up to 6 pills (1800 mg a day, over three doses - five weeks to get there.) I have no clue if the neurantin is working, since progress comes after an injection, not after the dose increases. I'm experiencing some side effects, so I'm starting to ramp back down.

Back to the bedroom. By this time, my foot feels like it's in an industrial vise. I have a high bed, so I stand with my right (sore) leg up on the mattress (I call it the "flamingo stretch",) drinking my coffee and reading my iPad, giving the meds time to work before I get ready for work. Getting out of the shower, I sit on the edge of the tub to stretch and dress before I get my makeup on.

Last Monday, I had that cortisone shot into my piriformis muscle. They said 3-7 days before I really saw a difference. I've seen a little progress, but little enough so that I've made arrangements to get oral prednisone if I don't see wonderful progress before I have to drive up to Marquette to get Tom.

Today. No alarm 😉

I sat up and instead of asking for strength for the day, I thanked God for my healing or cure. I thanked Him for relief from the pain. And if He chose not to give me that relief, I thanked Him for whatever He might have me learn from this process.

My foot hit the floor. That "spot" was tight, but no pain.

Bedroom door...a little tingle...still no pain.

Bathroom door...still no pain, and just a little tingly.

Coffee with real milk (the cream I bought yesterday had clots in it) and...the neurantin (half dose) and nothing else.

I put on shoes around 1:00 and felt it when I pulled wrong...and ended up taking a vicodine at 2:00, no ibuprofen (I'm scheduled for another epidural injection on Tuesday, so no NSAIDS.)

that's it.

Whether it's the injections, the exercises, the diet, the pills...or the grace of God.

Something's working

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Here's the way it went: I crashed my bicycle in June. It hurt, there was a huge bruise and a little ache.

My handlebar swung around and dug into my left (outer) thigh (thus the huge bruise) and I landed on my right hip.

I was stiff and sore, but was able to move. A LOT. I spent a lot of time hiking over the summer, but getting out of bed (I was sleeping on a blow-up mattress for most of the summer) got harder.

Trips were causing the pain in my hip to get worse and I was feeling sciatic pain by the end of August. Sitting for long periods (trips) made the "issue" much worse with each trip. Taking my son to college was the beginning of the "bad ones" and a 7 hour trip took nearly 10 so I could get out and walk.

Right after that, though, I took a couple 6 hour rides from San Jose to Mount Shasta (and around) and I was stiff, but not in pain.

Then school started. A few things, all at once. Sitting more and moving less. Reintroduce bad eating habits. I went back to the chiropractor and I believe he made things worse.

Another trip to CA; another trip to Marquette. Each made my "back" worse.

Sciatic = back, right?

Maybe not.

Weeks of physical therapy didn't help.

Massive amounts of NSaids didn't help.

Tramadol didn't help

I got referred from the sports doctor to the spine doctor when I was told that if I kept taking the Nsaids I could bleed out and die. I said that I'd update my will...must give me something that will work! A prescription for Vicodine and another for Neurantin...and a plan for epidural cortisone injections into S1/L5 and L4&5

At my worst, I was taking 6 vicodine a day and taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen 4 times a day. With the Neurantin. The pain was minimal (once the pills got into my system) and I was pretty functional.

I'd been doing this for 6 weeks

After the epidual injections (the procedure was great; the nurse asked if I wanted to know when she was going to poke me, I said "no" and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery) - anyway, after that, I had no pain in my back, but the sciatica was nearly as bad. I did drop to 3 vicodine a day and upped the Neurantin (per the doctor) and backed off the ibuprofen.

I'd been doing this for 2 months.

I was at my physical therapist and we were talking about how the pain manifested (where, when, how) We were going through a series of stretches and she said..."oh...that's the piriformis"

Think - you have a rotator cuff in in your shoulder, you have one in your hip, also. The piriformis muscle is one of the muscles in the "hip rotator cuff"

If you know how it feels to have a shoulder injury, mine is in my butt - the muscle that makes you able to swing your foot back and forth.

So, the pain in my back was now a pain in my ass (butt, hip)

I have a folded towel on the side of my bathtub so I can sit while I dry and dress.

This Monday I had a cortisone injection into my piriformis. The technique is quite interesting and I only felt a couple of small stabs of pain...but more light pressure.

Today was day 3 after the injection. I was told to expect relief in 3 to 7 days. So far, the pain is just as constant, but not as heavy. The drugs knock it back easier. (By "constant" I mean that if I don't take the drugs, the pain is there. With meds, I had a VERY pain-free today.)

The idea is not so much that the injection will be a cure; but that it will give me enough relief time to do the stretchy physical therapy needed to cure myself.

Tomorrow, I'll describe my pain.

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[rating=5][relatedratings=null][rating=4]"If God is Good, Why Do We Hurt?"

Because I'm hurting this was not only a good book to read, it was a hard book to read. I don't like this paint and (even though the doctors believe it's an injury and not an ongoing thing) I'm ready to be done.

Let God show me quickly what He wants me to learn and just get it over with.

Then again...

Whenever we’re tempted to think God has messed up our nice world by interjecting evil and suffering into it, let’s remember that in fact we messed up God’s perfect world by interjecting evil and suffering. Then he suffered evil by our hands so that we could forever be delivered from evil and suffering and death. Rather than blaming or resenting God, we should be overwhelmed with gratitude that because of his work of grace on the cross, our suffering need not be eternal, but only temporary.

I am called to see this pain as a reminder how much He suffered for me.

And he will deliver you through your present suffering, though not always from it. In fact, the Bible assures believers, “It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him” (Philippians 1:29). Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation” (John 16:33, ESV). Suffering—whether from persecution, accidents, or illnesses—shouldn’t surprise us. God has promised it. And when it comes, people should lose their faith in false doctrine, not in God.

But even now, as you face suffering, God will give you joyful foretastes of living in his presence. That’s his promise as well, and also his instruction: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:12–13).

If I take away nothing more than that from this book, it will be well read.

I read a couple of other books on suffering, this one has had more "meat" than the others...

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I'm not sure how to add a youtube video from my ipad, so...

here's the link

or

Anyway, I'm going through Advent devotionals, and I'm reminded (again) that we need Christmas, because we need the cross more.

My daily Bible reading was Acts 4. Verses 14 and 15

But you denied the Holy and Righteous One, and asked for a murderer to be granted to you, and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses

Bonhoeffer wrote:

We have become so accustomed to the idea of divine love and of God’s coming at Christmas that we no longer feel the shiver of fear that God’s coming should arouse in us. We are indifferent to the message, taking only the pleasant and agreeable out of it and forgetting the serious aspect, that the God of the world draws near to the people of our little earth and lays claim to us.

Sh'ma tells us to "hear, o Israel, that our God is One" -

Every member of the Trinity is involved in Advent - God the Father, sent God the Son, by the power of the Holy Spirit to be born in a manger, in order so that He might die, so that we might live.

Our God is One
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “The Coming of Jesus in Our Midst”

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Reason #2 - I'm not going back.

Perseverance and assurance may go hand in hand, but they're not the same thing.

Perseverance and "once saved always saved" may sound like they're the same, but they're not.

Assurance is in the "now" - right now, you can be sure of your salvation.

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life - 1 John 5:13

"Assurance" means that right now, this very minute, you can know that you have eternal life. It may be, if you believe such things, that tomorrow or the next day...or sometime in the future...you may sin too much or do too little and lose it. You can be assured now...but tomorrow may be a different story. You have the choice, in the future, to walk away.

"Once saved, always saved" gives the impression that..well, just what it says. No matter what you do or believe, you have no choice. It's the "fire insurance" way of thinking. Even if you want to walk away...shoot...even if you DO walk away...you're stuck with your salvation. "Once saved, always saved" is about what you have.

"Perseverance of the saints" is very different. It's not our salvation that is preserved...it's God who makes us persevere. If we are in Christ, we don't WANT to walk away.

"6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" ` Philippians 1:6

We are now, and will be, assured of our salvation because we are preserved and sealed by the Holy Spirit.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory ` Eph. 1:11-14

Conclusion - both "perseverance" and "once saved, always saved" comes with assurance, and even "I can lose it later" can have assurance in the present.

"OSAS" - you don't have a choice if you wanted it
"POTS" - even if you have the choice, you are sealed by the promise that you won't want the choice.

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I was at a work site the other day and picked up a leaflet with the title "(Way More Than) 100 Things Every Religious Liberal Should Know"

My first thought was: Why is this church trying to limit the audience? Okay, maybe I read more into that than I need to...but then, the next paragraph

(A list of terms and ideas that every religious liberal should know, to be religiously literate.)

So they iterated twice, that the list is for religious liberals (a discussion for another day)

I'm a long way from liberal, but I'm pretty religiously literate. There are nearly 200 terms on this list and I'm at least passingly familiar with many, if not most of them.

Since (every/this) New Year brings (another) commitment to blog on a regular basis, I'm uploading the list now, with the intent of exploring/blogging about them later

...continue reading →

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I'm not writing this to slam the church, because I really, really like it. Rather, I want to 1) rant a bit to get it out of my system and 2) get my thoughts in order before I talk to the pastor.

Last spring I visited a new church (new to me, but new...to everybody; it was a new church plant and I got a flier in the mail)

The preaching was saturated with the Gospel and I was so hungry for that (and still am, on a daily basis)

The singing part of the service was WONDERFUL; full of rich and deep theology, respectful of the writers of the old hymns and completely focused upward. I could leave behind the horizontal and be pulled into the vertical.

One thing happened and I almost didn't go back...but I did go back - and it was equal parts sermon and singing that drew me back.

I spent most of my summer out of town, and I went back to this church in the late summer, early fall. My first time back, was the last day for the (now former) music minister.

Since then, my haven for worship has steadily changed. The preaching is still some of the most Gospel saturated that I have EVER heard.

On the singing...three things have been added, that add up to one huge negative (for me)

1) the insertion of man-centered band playing both at the beginning and middle of a worship song. No matter how theologically rich a song is, if you stop singing in the middle, because the band puts the focus on...well...the band....the focus is now OFF God.

2) More 7-11, less conscience worship. 7-11 singing is the equivalent of the "repetitive prayers" that Jesus said belong to the pagans

3) The utter disrespect for the great people of God whose hymns and songs reflect the pain and faith in their lives, but raping them with the insertion of 7-11 in the middle.

I detest the thievery of old and beautiful hymns by a crop of youngsters to steal the hymns, add a few 7-11 choruses in the middle and slap their own name on them.

4) (and this is a "me thing") when you spend 20 minutes focusing my mind and soul upward toward heaven in worship, don't pull me back into the horizontal with a 10 minute "meet and greet" toward the end of it.

look up, look up, look up...and now for something completely different!

If you want to do the "meet and greet" - do your band and 7-11 early (one or two songs, please) THEN do the meet and greet early, THEN let's do business with God.

I love the preaching, but if the music keeps slipping toward K-FLUFF, I'll reevaluate.

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Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing

This was in my daily reading and it hit me again...without Jesus, I can do nothing, I can accomplish nothing...I AM nothing.

I'm not clean because of the works that I do, the choices that I make. It's not my works, it's the WORD that Jesus has spoken.

Before they (I) even knew..."Already you are clean because of the Word that I have spoken to you."

Sola Scriptura...The Word.

One letter apart...one very small difference...

"...for apart from me you can do nothing"

No longer are my works making me "good enough" - my works are a result of the Word and my gratitude that Jesus spoke.

worK
WorD

yet, such a huge impact on my life. I got off of the works treadmill, to rest gently in the Word.

Maybe I'll start counting...Reason #1; I'm Not Going Back

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“A man planted a vineyard and put a fence around it and dug a pit for the winepress and built a tower , and leased it to tenants and went into another country . When the season came, he sent a servant to the tenants to get from them some of the fruit of the vineyard . And they took him and beat him and sent him away empty- handed . Again he sent to them another servant , and they struck him on the head and treated him shamefully . And he sent another , and him they killed . And so with many others : some they beat , and some they killed . He had still one other, a beloved son . Finally he sent him to them , saying , ‘They will respect my son .’ But those tenants said to one another , ‘ This is the heir . Come , let us kill him , and the inheritance will be ours .’ And they took him and killed him and threw him out of the vineyard . What will the owner of the vineyard do ? He will come and destroy the tenants and give the vineyard to others .

Have you not read this Scripture :
“The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone ;
this was the Lord's doing,
and it is marvelous in our eyes ’?”

How do Dispensationalists deal with the "others"?

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I'm sitting in the shade, at a picnic table, with the ruins of an old cabin behind me. I have iced water with me, my iPhone, typing on my iPad.

To my left is an outcropping of serpentine. To my right, a eucalyptus tree. Down the hill is a rotary furnace, where men worked in the heat, extracting mercury from cinnabar. In front of me, Silicon Valley.

A few generations ago, there was a town here...well, around the bend, the ruins are still here.

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There is no running water, no electricity. There is a church, a school, a barn. Down the hill...a cemetery. The cometary makes me sad. The thought of a woman, following a cart carrying a casket...a long, winding trail down the hill to a flat spot on the hill. This is a small cemetery, surrounded by a white picket fence. The gate is shut and the grass, like all the grass here this time of year is dry and crunchy. There are no grave markers.

No grave markers. Because the family of a miner couldn't afford it? Because nobody wanted to carry stone up the hill? Maybe there used to be wooden markers that have long since rotted away...

Above me...turkey vultures.

Around the bend, down the hill is a geocache. If I find it, it's my first one.

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(yes, I did find it)