gender

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Two books:

  1. The Five Love Languages
  2. How to Get Your Husband to Talk To You

My reading is rather scattered right now - I've been attempting to discuss gender differences in communication in a generally healthy relationship...but decided to bring it here.

"The Five Love Languages" (Gary Chapman) is based on the idea that everybody as at least a "primary" love language.  (Take the 30 second quiz here.)

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch

If a wife's "language" is receiving gifts, verbal compliments may not make her "feel" loved.  If her spouse's language is "Words of affirmation", he may very well believe that his praise will make her feel loved, when a single long stem rose would mean the world.

If a husband's language is "quality time", a good home cooked meal (act of service) may not mean as much to him as a long dinner talking.

It helps to not only know your own love language, but your loved one's as well.  Even if your mate's language is not as "natural" to you...if "physical touch" is the language, make a point to touch him/her in a way that you know he/she likes.  This is one that I need to focus on -

These languages are not gender specific - but they are helpful in avoiding "communication pitfalls".  The book has two quizzes (his and hers) that reflect each other.  The questions are not mutually exclusive, but you do have to choose one over the other.

samples:

  • I love having my husband's undivided attention
  • I love that my husband helps clean the house

or

  • I love when my wife tells me she's proud of me
  • When my wife cooks a meal for me, I know that she loves me

Most people have a primary and at least one secondary love language.

And it not only matters how we "speak" the love language, it matters what language the partner "hears" best.

And then...there are also the gender differences...

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Starting with the appropriate links:

Sean Morey (comedian)

See it on YouTube.
The Man Song

Ladies and gentleman, The Man Song!

He's the man. He's the man.

I don't take no crap from anybody else...
but you
I wear the pants around here...
when I finish with your laundry

Cos I'm a guy you don't wanna fight...
when I say "jump", you say "yeah right"
Cos I'm the man of this house...
until you get home

He's the man. He's the man.

When I say goes around here...
right out the window
But I don't wanna hear a lot of whining...
so I'll shut up

The sooner you learn who's boss around here...
the sooner you can give me my orders, dear
Cos I'm head honcho around here...
but it's all in my head

He's the man. He's the man.

And I can have sex anytime...
that you want
Cos I'm a man who has needs...
but they're not that important

And don't expect any flowers from me...
cos if I'm not mistaken, you prefer jewelry
I'm the king of my castle...
when you're not around

He's the man. He's the man.

And I'll drink and watch sports...
whenever I wanna get in trouble
And I'll come home, when I'm good and ready...
to sleep on the couch

Cos a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...
and I'm gonna do what you tell me to
Because I'm top dog around here...
but I've been neutered

He's the man. He's the man!

You the man!

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Godwin's Law:  "As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."
MzEllen's Law: "As an internet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Islam or Muslims approaches one.”
Godwin wrote: “Although deliberately framed as if it were a law of nature or of mathematics, its purpose has always been rhetorical and pedagogical: I wanted folks who glibly compared someone else to Hitler or to Nazis to think a bit harder about the Holocaust,”Well, when a person compares [something] to Islam, I’d like them to think a bit harder about
  • female circumcision
  • honor killings
  • forced arranged marriages
  • beheadings for being raped.
  • being stoned to death for pre-marital intercourse.
  • being killed by your father for dating the wrong boy
  • being stabbed by your brother for going to a dance club

I want you to think a bit harder about those things.
Again, MzEllen’s Law (if it’s out there someplace else, let me know!)

“As an internet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Islam or Muslims approaches one.”

From Wiki:

The concept appears to have entered the public consciousness more broadly, as well. In 2005, the aphorism was the subject of a question in the British television quiz show University Challenge. By 2007, The Economist had declared that “a good rule in most discussions is that the first person to call the other a Nazi automatically loses the argument.” And in October 2007, the “Last Page” columnist in The Smithsonian stated that when an adversary uses an inappropriate Hitler or Nazi comparison, “you have only to say ‘Godwin’s Law’ and a trapdoor falls open, plunging your rival into a pool of hungry crocodiles.”

“As an internet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Islam or Muslims approaches one.”

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Okay...the mother kidnapped, abused, neglected, disappeared...

and the father is PRESENT, but the kids are under the "supervision" of the Welfare Office.   The default custody is generally to the mother...even a kidnapper, abuser, neglecter...

A MOTHER who abandoned her two young daughters with friends in Cyprus is believed to be in her homeland Holland.

Dutch police are now searching her previous addresses to serve her with a summons, after an arrest warrant was issued in Cyprus for serious child abuse and neglect.

The two girls, aged nine and 11, are now with their father, Gerard Roppeveel, and under the protection of the Cyprus Social Welfare Office.

According to Annita Koni, the Head of the Welfare Office’s Family and Child Service, “The Department has already taken the appropriate measures to protect the children and they are in a safe place under our supervision.” (...)

The story came to light when a friend of the family – who frequently took the little girls in to feed, wash and clothe them – contacted the Cyprus Mail and recounted the girls’ awful plight.

She was appalled that crippling bureaucracy procedures were preventing Roppeveel from taking his daughters back home, so they could live “a stable and secure life”. (...)

Courts in Cyprus are hesitant to allow Roppeveel to leave the island as the mother is not present. They are also having trouble trying to get the girls’ passports as they disappeared with their mum, when she left Cyprus over a month ago, leaving her children with the family friend.

According to the Chairman of the House Legal Affairs Committee, Ionas Nicolaou of DISY, there are specific procedures that need to be followed for a father to be able to secure a court order for full custody in the absence of the mother.

“The father must prove that the mother has abandoned her children,” he explained. “You can’t remove custody from a mother without following specific procedures. He must see a lawyer and start these proceedings.”

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WordPress has "pages" that will stay in a hierarchy position (you can find it from the front page).  It seems to me that some of the communication problems that blog writers have is with definitions.  So I'm going to start a "page" that links to posts on "definitions".

The first one I'll define is "gender role".

I've heard a few egalitarians say, "male or female isn't a 'role', it's part of who we are." (or something to that effect).

If you (generic "you") are using the term in an acting (in a play) sort of way.  Yes, you are correct, being male or female isn't a role we play.  In fact, if you use the word "role" as a stand alone phrase, you would still be correct
HOWEVER...context, context, context.  When we write of "gender roles" we are not referring of acting. The term "Gender role" consists of two words used together that have a specific and  SOCIOLOGICAL  meaning.

When we write "gender roles", we are  referring to an "SOCIOLOGY" term.

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From Answers.com

A gender role is a set of perceived behavioral norms associated particularly with males or females, in a given social group or system. It can be a form of division of labour by gender. It is a focus of analysis in the social sciences and humanities.  Gender is one component of the gender/sex system, which refers to "The set of arrangements by which a society transforms biological sexuality into products of human activity, and in which these transformed needs are satisfied" (Reiter 1975: 159). All societies, to a certain effect, have a gender/sex system, although the components and workings of this system vary markedly from society to society.

~~~

So we read here that "gender roles" are not a "faked" or "acted out" part in a play.  Gender roles (at least in history) have played a part in meeting the needs of society.

In a Biblical worldview, the gender debate surrounds "complementarian" (although I may choose to use a more descriptive term for what I believe is correct) and "egalitarian" beliefs.

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I understand that the metaphor breaks down (metaphors do).

I understand that a wife does not exist to worship her husband (nor should she).  If the comment thread goes in that direction...it would be a bad idea.

I understand that a husband is not God (see above note about the comment thread).

What Can We Learn From Adam and Eve?

1) Eve was not a "less than".  Adam was the only creature that was created in the way that he was and Eve was the only creature created in the way that she was.

2) Eve was created to be a helper fit for Adam.  "ezer" was not in any way a "less-than" term.  It is used to describe God and it is used to describe help from God.  To be an "ezer" from God is to have a very special role and (I would think) would be a privilege and honor.  This is what Eve was created for.
3)  Eve was created to be a companion.  God said, "It is not good for man to be alone", and then, "I will make a helper for him."  One flesh - bone of my bone.  This is what Eve was created for.

My belief in reading all of this (including the parallels of a husband and wife to Christ and the church) is that Eve, created second, created as a helper and created "out of" man - was the...well...helper.  She (as helper) would have filled the need that Adam had for another "pair of hands".  God set the "job description", Adam set the path within that job description and Eve (by defintion as helper) helped.

How does that relate to Christ and the church?

How often have we heard the line, "Jesus with skin on?"   We (the church) are the representatives of Christ walking around on this green earth.

There is a job to be done, set by the Bridegroom.  Spread the gospel.  Protect the weak.  Feed the hungry.  Care for the homeless.

God, the Trinity, set the job description.  Christ gave us the "Great Commission".  The bride of Christ is His representative on earth to carry out the plan.

And a husband and wife?

God sets the job description - what are we supposed to do?  The husband (if the wife is to submit to her husband as Christ submits to the church) sets the path and the wife (as ezer) is his helping hands.

Does this make her "less than"?  No - it gives her an honorable part in the job that Christ has given.

Does it make the husband "more than"?  In the plan of Christ, no.  It gives him the burden of making (and taking responsibility for) the working out of the plan.

What can we learn from Christ and the church by looking at the first husband and wife?

Unity.  Job descriptions.  Honor in both roles.  Honor in service.  Job descriptions written by God.

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Come on, ladies...You all know how we can get.  All of us...we're sinners.  There's a reason for the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

A very wise, very wonderful pastor's wife - Linda - once told a group of us, "a woman is the barometer of the home."  If we are content, the home is content.  If we are not content, the house will most likely be discontented.  What a privilege and responsibility - the way that we are (good or not) has an effect on everybody around us...such is the way of human beings.

We are affected by those around us.  If we have a child who is whining, it affects us.  If we have a spouse who refuses to take out the garbage, that affects us.  If we (women) are selfish and controlling...that affects those around us.  If you don't get like that sometimes...you are a perfect saint and I most likely don't want to hang out with you because you would make me look bad...  😉

Now...those of us who are married...our "one-flesh" partners - our heads - can be especially effected by our attitudes (good or bad).  If we are selfish and controlling, he can be angry and cranky...sometimes downright abusive.  Or he can shut down and become a couch potato.  Both are sin...but just as we are sinners...so are men.

It's the way of this lost and fallen world.  We are sinners...and we are affected by those around us, just as we affect those around us.   It's reciprocal - human beings react to each other.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

The way of the Spirit is the right way.  We submit to our husbands as the church submits to Christ...we follow his good leading (but not into sin).  He loves us as Christ loves the church.  We don't interact identically, but reciprocally.  We each have our jobs and when we do them to the best of our ability, the entire home runs smoothly.

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Abuse exists...and it happens way too often (once is way too often).  I am not writing about real abuse.

I am writing about those who cry "abuse" where there is no real abuse present or no abuse intended.

Sexual harrassment

  • A woman who has an employer that bases hiring and promotion on the cut of her blouse...bad
  • A woman who sues a co-worker for telling her that she looked nice on a particular day...get a grip.

Verbal abuse

  • You're stupid and not worth wasting time on...the person saying this should be disciplined by the "powers that be"
  • I think that you are showing a lack of understanding on this issue...this is a reasonable statement and could very well be true (or not)...but it is not abuse.

Physical abuse:

I believe that a false accusation is a form of abuse.  And "abuse" is an accusation from which there is little or no defense.  Like "racism" - denying abuse may only confirm the accusation.  In this political season, any disagreement with Barrack Obama may be seen as racism...likewise, a person who questions a woman in a debate-like conversation may be accused of "abuse".

Abuse is NOT a one-way street (meaning that male-on-female abuse is the only way the street runs).

On previous shows, "Primetime" has staged scenes of abuse in which the man is the aggressor, and the woman is the victim. And in these situations, passersby -- men and women -- often stepped up and intervened. So producers were curious. What would happen if the tables were turned, and the man was suddenly the victim? Would people be just as willing to come to his defense? (...)
"There are some data that suggest that women actually hit more than men do," says Keating. "Men create more damage, but women hit more than men do."

A report prepared for the Centers for Disease Control estimates that each year there are over 800,000 serious cases of men being physically abused by women. But the actual figures are believed to be much higher, since many men are often too embarrassed to admit being the victim of abuse by a woman.

One after another, passersby witnessed the abusive scene… and kept right on going.

Mathilda was one of those bystanders. She says she didn't think the man was in any physical danger, and could probably take care of himself. "I didn't immediately think to protect the man at all," she said. "It didn't look like any harm was being done."

The reaction of another woman, Lynda, was stunning. As our actress continued to heap abuse on her make-believe boyfriend, she walked by the scene and pumped her fist in a show of sisterly solidarity.

"Good for you. You Go, Girl!" is how Lynda recalls her reaction.

A pattern of false accusation, inattention and (one) actual support for a female abuser - all of this points to a problem of how we deal with abuse.

  • Abuse is always wrong.
  • False accusation is a form of abuse that has nothing to do with gender
  • False accusation is also always wrong.

The more I read about false accusations in the news, the more likely I am to view any accusation with skepticism.

The more people cry "wolf", the less likely we are to hear when there is a real one around.

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From Glenn Sacks:

Him: Hey you remember Linda, the woman who was here a few weeks back?
Me: Yeah.
Him: She's in jail!
Me: No way, really? What happened?
Him: She got into a fight with her husband and she hit him and he called the cops.
Me: Good for him!
Him: No, he's a real jerk.
Me: Oh, did he hit her first?
Him: Well, no.
Me: Did he push her or something?
Him: No, but he's a real scumbag, and has probably hit her in the past.
Me: He has?
Him: I don't know, but he's a real jerk so probably.
Me: Did she ever say he did? Call the cops?
Him: No, but that doesn't mean anything.

Subtle message...it's always the man's fault.

From Barack Obama:

"My daughters and all your daughters will know there's no barrier to who they are. ... They will take for granted women can do anything that the boys can do, and do it better, and do it in heels. I still don't know how she does it in heels."

Subtle message...girls are better than boys.  Even in heels.

From Scotland:

Ten police officers had been involved in the case at a substantial cost to the taxpayer, so Lindsay was charged with wasting police time.(...)

Sheriff Veal said she had shown little sympathy for Graeme and didn't care about the impact of false allegations on genuine rape victims.

But last week judges at the Justiciary Appeal Court in Edinburgh overturned the sentence, after her defence counsel argued that the Sheriff should have taken into consideration the fact that Lindsay could be viewed as "vulnerable".

Subtle message:  false accusations are a "waste of police time", not destruction of a reputation.  False accusers DO NOT CARE about the falsely accused.  False accusers get off.

False accusations hurt.  Just say no.