Tag Archives: Life

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I was going over my day...as tired as I am, I have been tempted to be a little impatient.  Maybe that "natural", but I don't want it to be me.

I snapped at my dad.  We had mom halfway out of the car on her transfer board.  his cell phone rang and I said, "ignore it".  He answered it, dropped the board, my mom was slipping and he said, "we're having a hard time getting your mom out of the car.

I said, "that's because you're talking on the phone!"

Just now...a man named Joseph came to mind.

When pharoh's wife was tempting him to sin in a sexual way, he fled.

(Joseph has left the building)

Ran away.  Flee temptation.

So fast, when she grabbed his cloak he didn't stop to get it.

I need to keep a handle on my thoughts when slips happen.  Flee that temptation.

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In the past I've had "brushes with the prophetic".  I believe that I had another.

Since I've been fasting, my mom has made some pretty important improvements

  • she stood without support for a minute and a half
  • this includes standing up straight, without her knees against the cupboard in front of the sink
  • she is doing short arc quad extensions without assistance. (not very high, but she's getting her heel off the bed
  • for the first time, she's expressing an interest in knitting
  • for the first time since her surgery, she's reading.
  • she's listening to music every time she lays down.  My brother in law (Jim) put hymns on an mp3 player and she listens a lot.

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I'm helping to take care of my mom.

That act of care-taking is the biggest part of what is helping me.  This woman that I love, that nurtured me and took care of me...is in need.

There are moments (not very many), but for the most part, I'm glad that I can be there.

Some if it is going through the motions...some of it must be hard for her, so I'm "matter of fact" about it.

 

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She stood up.  Major assistance, but a major milestone.

We have to push her wheelchair up to the kitchen sink, she pushes up on the arms of the chair, the cupboard doors keep her knees from buckling and then she grabs the edge of the sink and she stands for a few seconds.   I have to hold her "belt" (a strap that goes around the outside of her brace so that we can help or catch) and give her a little boost, then support...but it's happening.

My day...It's a good day for Mom

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There is a sort of emotional pain that is small and nagging - it's persistent and always there.  Like an achy joint.  It's annoying, but you can live with it and most of the time you don't even notice.

Then there is the emotional pain that is so overwhelming that it crushes the breath out of you.   You want to avoid it or make it stop, but the only way out is through.

You feel so pressed, so brittle - if somebody touches you, you'll shatter into a million tiny pieces.

I am familiar with this pain.

I need to understand that this is also the emotional pain that my dad is feeling right now.  His wife of 50 years has gone from being (in pain, but) relatively independent - to not being able to stand up or even use the toilet by herself.

How much will she recover?  Nobody knows.  We hope that she'll recover to the point that the doctor originally thought she would.  But it's going to be a very long time.

My dad is serverely diabetic, he has a cardiac history and he's 72 years old.  He's very afraid that he won't be able to take care of her the way that she is now and he's right.

The pain in that helplessness - knowing the one you love is hurting and not having the ability to fix the hurt...hurts.

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My mom is doing pretty poorly.  Her feet do not do what they're supposed to do and she's not strong enough to lift her body weight.  Her surgeon isn't talking (or showing up) and the therapist tell them that they need to talk to the surgeon.  She's depressed and right now I'm not much help in that regard.  She's also worried that Dad wants to put her in a nursing home...

Dad...is really scared that he's not going to be able to take care of her.  One option (if there's going to be an eventual improvement) is a short term stay at a nursing home.  Mom cries and tells him not to give up on her.

Dad cried tonight when he was talking about what he's going to do.

He's remembering when Aunt Joyce died and how my cousin and could not lift her when she fell and how they all felt when they had to put her in the home.

and he talked about how he doesn't know how my aunt copes with an invalid husband in a wheel chair - how does that work and what is he going to do?

And how my Aunt Pat lives alone now...

My dad is really down.  I don't know what to do.

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As I knit, I've been knitting socks, I've been using a variety of patterns.  After browsing patterns (mostly looking at pictures, I can sort out the patterns later) I noticed that they mostly follow the same basic structure.

Cast on 64 (56, 48, 32).  Are all socks multiples of 8?  The vast majority, yes.  ok.

There are only two places that the sock "decreases" - the heel and the toe.  I use the "magic loop" method of sock knitting, so I have the sock in two parts (the top of the foot and the bottom of the foot).  You decrease 1 stitch at both ends of both these parts every other row.

For a while I worried about trying to remember if I had decreased the even rows or the odd rows and then I just decided that (if I had to) I would adjust the pattern so that I also decreased on the odd rows.

EVEN IS EVEN

During the decrease times, I knit even (no increase, no decrease) on the even rows.

Once I established this habit, it became...well, a habit.  I have a row counter, if it's an even row, I knit even.

EVEN IS EVEN

One of the big political flaps of the week was the Letterman/Palin media scuffle.

Other than the "top ten" lists, I'm not a big Letterman fan.  I appreciate the Palin family's protection (even if overly dramatic) of their child.

Matthew 18 may (or may not) apply - Letterman does not claim to be a brother in Christ.  But we are to show the world how repentance and forgiveness works.  If Palin had gone privately to Letterman first, perhaps there would have been a different ending?    Right now, the sincerity of the  apology is being debated; if the confrontation had been private and Letterman had said the same thing, there would be no debate.

Palin made political hay.  While I understand her very public defense of her daughter and would most likely (at the very least have been tempted to) do the same, she still made hay.

Over the last couple of days, Sarah Palin had two roads.  Her "acceptance" of the apology is just as insincere as the apology is made out to be.  Her chiding had no place in the forgiveness by a Christian.

"Of course it's accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who 'joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve."

In an ideal world, it would have been

"Of course, on behalf of women everywhere, it's accepted."

Period.  Just as "sorry...but..." apologies have a more appropriate ending, so do acceptances.

But that is what is it is.

Just as important:

EVEN IS EVEN

Just as important is the response of Christians.

I've written before about how an apology is a cheap substitute for real repentance.  and "I accept" is a cheap substitute for real forgiveness.

Real forgiveness means restoration and a promise to not hold the offense against the offender again.  Ever.

An opportunity to show the Gospel has been passed up.  If the Palins (including Willow) had agreed to be on Letterman's show and if Willow had held Letterman's hand and said,

"We all do things that are wrong and we all need forgiveness.   I have been forgiven by God and I forgive you."

What would that have told the world?

But no...there is hay to be made.

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1) Church...

We finally settled on a church.  Well, the kids like it; I settled.

I will not become a "member", but will become active in some of the ministries and studies.  There are issues, but this little church does seem to be the best thing going around here that is both acceptable to me and attractive to the kids.

2) College...

I took the fall off of college (and will take the winter off as well).  There's time to decide what to do with the rest of my life.
Right now, it feels good to reconnect with "me", not just barrel through classes.

3) Work...

I moved classrooms again.  Each time I move I dread it.  Each time I end up glad that I moved.  This time...the staff that I worked with last year tell me that I'm blessed that I got moved (I won't go further that that).  One of the staff that I worked with last year is the choir director; since I'm not in that room, I'm free to explore music options.  I'm starting a bell choir (I'm sure you'll read more)

4) Cycling...

I took up bike riding.  That feels good also.  I'm indoors for the winter, but I'm planning a few things for spring.

My philosophy for exercise is to do it the way my ancestors did;  they were in it for the long haul.  Before exercise was optional, people didn't run marathons, they walked across the country.  Life was less a matter of "let's go as fast as we can for as long as we can".  It was a matter of "let's go at a sustainable pace for as long as it takes to get there."

It makes more sense in that paradigm to ride at 12 MPH for 65 miles than it does to ride at 18 MPH for 2 hours.

As long as my heart rate is at a workout level, I'd rather go a little slower and enjoy the ride.

My plans are to take a few "overnighters".  Ride to my dad's house on the other side of the state - take a spin along the lake shore.  Maybe get the gear that I need to go camping on a bike:

the rest is minor.

4) Cars...

The last major thing is a new vehicle.

We went to Chicago to celebrate with my sisters-in-law and on the way there the transmission on my car "died".  We got there, but would not have gotten home.  I am related to a very special woman who made it possible for me to get a 2004 Honda Pilot with pretty low mileage and a lot of features that I like.

I really didn't want a car payment, but life makes it necessary.  With a 6-cyclinder SUV, my chosen summer life-style is much more possible.  I can put the bike in the back, I can pull the camper up a hill...

As with the bike, there are a couple things that will be added.

  • a trailer hitch is a must.  Stop by U-Haul.
  • an auxiliary adapter for my iPod.  (this one is an "anytime" - the trailer hitch is the biggie)

5) Fitness (diet, yada...yada...yada...)

Today I reboot the whole diet thing.  You all know the routine...

I'm focusing on one habit each week (my weeks start on Friday).  This week will be supplements.  Next week, water.

6) Socks...

The last thing I'm going to mention is something that only a few people will "get".  I think I figured out "the sock".

I'm tackling knitting socks for the first time ever and I broke my personal record for the number of times I started the project over again.

I'm using the "magic loop" method and I think what's making it harder for me to accomplish getting started is the fact that I'm left-handed so everything is backward.

But I think I've gotten it (until next time).

Tom is just hoping that he has two socks eventually.

[further note:  I've got way too many little blogs for record keeping.  Silly, but it works for me.  Little by little, as there's something to post, I'll post links.  Craft patterns (to keep track of what yarns and tools I use and where I buy stuff); diet logs (nobody here really wants to know what I had for breakfast); cycling information (just when DID I get those new tires and how long did it take me to ride to Sand Lake and back?)

Next post...2009 "goals and objectives" (we do not call them "resolutions", since they are very flexible)

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Robert & Julia Brown
I read your post today about your grandma - you are very fortunate.

I loved my grandma very dearly - but there was pain in her life that was evident until she died.  She had given birth to 9 (maybe 10) babies...5 of them lived to be adults.

My grandma and grandpa were married in 1919.  Grandma was 23 and Grandpa was 26.  I had thought they were younger than that.

I've written about a possible first child, Leila.    If there was a Leila, she would have been born in 1919 and died very young.

  • Jordan was born September 6, 1920 and died February 5, 1921...5 months old.
  • Lydia was born July 5, 1923 and died August 29, 1929...age 6
  • Robert was born January 17, 1922 and died September 30, 1923...age 1 year, 9 1/2 months.
  • Marian Ellen was born April 7, 1925 and lived to adulthood, but died before her parents in 1970.
  • Joyce was born January 17, 1927 and lived to adulthood.
  • Pat (Helen Patricia) was born May 26, 1932 and is still alive.
  • Marilla was born January 24, 1934 and died April 4...1935.

My Aunt Joyce once told my cousin that she never felt loved by her mother.  I'm sure that my grandmother was emotionally drained by that time...and lost yet another baby when Aunt Joyce was only 7.  Did Grandma fear (did she brace herself emotionally by being distant) losing her baby Joyce?

  • My dad, Thomas, was born a year after Marilla and missed sharing her birthday by a day...January 25, 1934.
  • My Aunt Roberta was born  August 12, 1937 and is also still alive.

Her first 3 (maybe 4) babied died and she lost another when she still had three children under 10 to take care of.
How would I - or many women living in the medically modern world today - have handled this grief?  Would I have done any better than Grandma?

The look on her face in the photo...this was the typical Grandma look.  If she smiled ever...I think it was seldom.  It's the same look she had in my parents' wedding photo.

The more I see life, the more I understand how important it is to draw into God in grief.