Read "Ancient History (part one)".

Five years ago, this week was one of waiting.

There was no reason that a routine CT scan should take 4 or 5 days to get the results back, but they didn't come back and didn't come back.

Waiting is so hard! I remember being very angry and the more I found out about PSC, the angrier I got.

My marriage had not been great and I was looking into a future of great unknowns.

My husband had never really shared household responsibilities (not just housework, I mean taking care of cars, the budget, school stuff - many times I felt like I was a single person who happened to have a husband). Now, I was taking care of even more.

Bluntly, the only thing that had ever worked really well (consistently) was the bedroom area. And now, that was not working. (I found out later that when the liver gets involved in pathology, that type of disfunction is very common.)

On one hand, I remember feeling more like a wife than I ever had before. Art had never let me share in helping him. Oh, of course I could do all of the stuff that needed to be taken care of around the house, but Art would not let me close enough to help Art. Now, he had to and that was very fulfilling for me.

On the other hand, I remember feeling selfish, telling the psychologist (I was seeing him just to get things sorted out in my brain) that one of the worst parts was knowing that Art could live for another 10-15 years and never be any better than he was at that moment. I remember telling him that I didn't want to be a nursemaid/maid/housekeeper/accountant/everything else in a sexless marriage - but "in sickness and in health" was an essential part of my marriage vow. If this was the marriage that was in store for me, I was trapped.

There is no treatment that "cures" PSC. The only real treatment is a liver transplant and Art's cancer would rule out putting him on the transplant list. The way around that is to have a family member donate a part of their liver and I (even as a wife and not a blood relative) was a very hopeful match. The CT scan would (hopefully) tell us how much of the liver was involved and how much time we might reasonably expect before a transplant was needed.

So we were stuck in "waiting mode".

and another

A commenter on Thinklings posted the link.

This little girl has been on my heart and mind.

Tomorrow my daughter and I give our presentation on the "History of Christian Music" and I'm in the process of burning the songs we're going to use (2 of them) to a CD so we don't have to shuffle music in the middle of the talk

We're going to us "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb and "Hold Fast" by Flatfoot 56. Other artists mentioned will be MercyMe (with a new CD coming out later this month) and Steve Camp.

This class (well, the instructor) is turning out to be irritating. She dinged me 20 points out of 100 on the research paper (I do not get 80's on writing papers) for not writing about a piece of music (written by the composer that I wrote on) that I'd listened to. In the syllabus the requirement was to "choose a piece" (nothing about listening to it or writing about it) and she verbally changed the requirements of the paper in class to "listen to a piece of music" (nothing about writing about the experience).

In my paper I talked about one of the pieces by one of the composers I'd covered. I listened to it but didn't write about the experience. I don't think I should have been dindged 20%. Further, I talked to several different people in the class and they also had the same number of points taken off. It's a small class (20 people) and if that many didn't understand the requirement, it doesn't sound like it's totally our fault.

My kids have never seen me go to the mat over the difference between an A and a B. 😉

An A- in the class will bring my GPA down slightly. With an 80 on this paper, I cannot mathematically get an "A". Grades are one thing that I am serious about.

So, hopefully everybody else will benefit from this.

at any rate, for the presentation: the powerpoint is done, the music is chosen, the outlines are printed.

God willing, all will go well.

When I saw this "assignment" for Carnival of Beauty, I didn't think it would be an easy one! I'm not sure I want to "age", gracefully or not. and (those who know me personally know this) I don't do much (physically) that a person could describe as "graceful". I don't do well at physical activities that require "grace" and I think aging will be one of them!

I don't think I want to think about aging - at least until I decide what I "want to be when I grow up". (I'll have to declare a major pretty soon). Today, I climbed the monkey bars, I slid down the slide, I pushed the merry-go-round and played on the swing.

Adult things intrude - I just did my income taxes and paid some bills. The furnace quit and I'm due for an oil change for my car pretty soon.

I was married for 23 years and I've tasted "til death us do part."

My parents are the ones that are aging (and yet, my dad refuses to grow up also). They are "snowbirds" and just got back to Michigan from Florida for the summer. (ok - here's the way my dad works. My mom had eye surgery on Thursday. She was supposed to go back for a recheck on Friday, but they decided to come home. So, I think they left right from the out-patient center on Thursday morning, because my dad called me on Friday night to tell me they were home. I have an aunt that is very ill and they wanted to get back, but still, you'd think that they could have at least waited until after the surgical re-check)

I don't want to "grow old gracefully".

What I want is the best that I can be at any age that I am.

I don't want to stop climbing monkey bars or playing on swings. I like playing video games.

I want to keep the best of what "young" means and reach toward what the best of "adult" means. I want the "milk" and the "meat".

I'm doing my best to be "young".

That doesn't mean trying to cheat death or dying or even aging.

Youth is a mental state, not an age.

This semester has been an adventure - I'm taking a music appreciation class with both of my kids. I'm a "non-typical student", but with my kids I'm not - I'm just another student. It has been very fun and very cool. My daughter and I are a "group" for a group project - we're doing a presentation on the history of Christian music. She asked to be in my group! (although it was a bit of a letdown when she followed up, "yeah. Tom would be more fun, but I'll get a better grade with you." - I can be fun...)

I have this "thing" that I carry with me. It's taken a while to "fine tune" the system - some folks would say that I've been working with the "autistic population" for too long - all the "visual reminders" I've made for myself. Here's the way it works: The keychain is attached to a pill container. There are safety pins with beads on them. There is a bead for every good thing I do for myself every day. You can see the "pink heart" bead. When I do something good for my heart, like take a walk, I get to put that bead in the container. There is a matching bead that I can put away when I do something good for my muscles, too. The green beads are for green tea - I have beads for water, vitamins, fruits and veggies, dairy and "omega-3" foods.

There is another safety pin for "attitude". There are tiny black beads to remind me that my skin needs care, too - they remind me to use moisturizer at work (which can be a very dry place). The pink beads remind me to pray. There is a bead that I can put away when I read my Bible. Maybe I should have one for blogging...

It may sound silly and maybe not very many people would need this. But every time I put a bead away, I'm reminding myself to be the best that I can be. Every bead I put away is something that I have done to make myself either physically or spiritually healthy.

Every bead I put away actually encourages me to do something to put the next one away.

What does this have to do with aging gracefully?

Maybe not much.

But it has a lot to do with the "me" that I want to be right now.

So, tomorrow I'll go play on the monkey bars and the swing and the slide - and maybe I'll even take a shot at the basketball hoop.

Five years ago today: Monday, April 9, 2001. My husband went into the radiology department for a "routine" CT scan.

He had had cancer surgery (called a whipple procedure) in November of 1999 after being diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma (bile duct cancer). We had a wonderful surgeon, a Christian man who came to visit so that he could read the Bible with us - even after my husband was no longer his patient.

Fast forward to March, 2001. It was an eventful month.

My family was planning a trip to Florida over spring break to visit my parents (they had a little house on the Gulf coast.

My mom had a minor heart attack. While being treated for that, they discovered an eye condition (I can't remember the name) - the arteries going to her eyes were becoming blocked - the end result would probably be a stroke. Average life expectancy: 5 years. (yes, this was five years ago; since then medicine has progressed and she's had surgery that has taken care of the problem).

My husband was on new meds for "primary sclerosing cholangitis". this is a disease that is either caused by his cancer - or it caused his cancer. He was losing weight, not feeling well, not eating well. But we were told (in March) that from what the hemotologist could see, the cancer was gone and he didn't want to see us again until August.

On Wednesday, March 28 I talked to my mom. My dad had an angioplasty early in the day and they discovered that the main artery to his heart was 90% blocked. They scheduled a bypass for Monday (April 2). It turned out that his doctor looked at the results and said, "um. No. Friday."

So we finished packing and left for Florida on Thursday morning (in our van).

Other than being in the hospital with my dad (the Sarasota hospital has an entire wing for geriatric patients with diabetes who have had cardiac surgery- only in Florida?), my husband was not doing well. He wasn't able to eat and was exhausted. While we were in Florida I called the liver specialist, who scheduled a CT scan for Monday.

Art didn't want to slow down and he wanted to spend time with our kids. We went to the Mayakka River State Park (a favorite FL place of ours). The other day I was looking through some photos and there's a boardwalk in the tops of the trees and we have a photo of Art and I at the top of the boardwalk. We took the airboat ride and saw alligators.

Looming ahead was April 9, 2001 - the CT scan - which would hopefully tell us the extent of liver damage and what kind of progression we could expect from the PSC.

My daughter wrote this song

I have a fire in my soul
It’s a light in my heart
Because Lord I’m passionate for you
You’re always on my mind
And always in my heart
O Lord I am passionate for you
You’re a lamp to my path
And a guide to my life
Lord you are passionate for me
I will stand and lift my hands
And proclaim my love for you
I’m forever burning Lord
On fire with passion for you
I will worship all my days
And love with all my heart
Shouting out my passion in you
I have a fire in my soul,
Lord it’s a light in my heart
Because Lord I’m passionate for you
And I’ll sing all my days
Of your mercy and grace
O holy and perfect Lord
I am passionate for you
Proclaiming you’re passionate for me