no, it's not a bleak as it sounds.

It's just that (at this moment) I am very aware that I cannot see the road that lays ahead of me.  See the new photo at the top of this blog...I took it last August in the Upper Peninsula.  Very foggy, very obscure...I could not see the road ahead.

There are a couple of wildly divergent paths that life could take...and I have zero clue which fork my life might take.

A couple of months ago, I could imagine the future.  Now...I just can't.

I think that's a good thing...it leaves my future (and my trust) squarely in the hands of God.

Look again at the photo.  Not very long after I took that, the sun came out.  It was sunny...I found this

At the end of the day, the fog clears.  Life will be good.  God is good...and in control

We're preparing to send Tom off to college again.  I've adjusted very well to having the house to myself.  The drawback is that I don't need or want this much house.

Snow removal, furnace repair, water heater replacement (even with huge and gratefully received financial gifts) and roof repair and driveway repair coming up and...and...and...

I'm tired of being a single (alone, not single-family-dwelling) homeowner.

I've breezed through the websites of a couple of apartment  of complexes that look altogether tempting.  My house payment/rent would go down, my heating bill would drop by $100, my electric would be non-existent.  No more paying for garbage pickup, snow removal, lawn mowing.

I would have to pay for a storage unit/place for my camper, or make arrangements to leave it at my dad's house during the non-camping season, so I'd only have to pay storage for part of the year.

Just thinking...if I'm going to be in Grand Rapids, I might as well take some of the pressure off.

Came up on my shuffle

I want to somebody's everything...

I refuse to settle for something less than great.
And if it takes a lifetime, then that's how long I'll wait.
'Cause all I want is everything, is that too much to ask?
Have romance, love and passion; find magic that will last.

And I want someone to think they'll die if they can't be with me.
I want to be their joy, their pride, their dreams,
The very air they breathe.
I want to wake up feelin' loved and go to bed the same.
Yes, I want to be somebody's everything, somebody's everything.

I am certainly in a very different place than I was a year ago.  Oh my....how different.

I usually set a few goals (only to have them fall aside pretty early.

Yesterday I watched Harry Potter (the first one) for the first time.  Harry was looking into that mirror, in which he saw his parents (who had been killed when he was a baby)

The headmaster came up behind him and told him that men had wasted their lives staring into that mirror...gone mad even.  It showed their deepest desires.

"It will not do to dwell on the dream...and forget to live"

My goal for this coming year is to not forget to live.  I'm not going to wait around for life to change for me...I could waste my life waiting for that change.

  • I've signed up for 2 classes (the Philosophy of Religion and Orientation to Deafness) - both are book classes, not art classes so I think I'll be good.
  • See an academic counselor about transferring my credits to Grand Valley.
  • Be outdoors more, enjoy creation.
  • Cut my blogroll down and spend less time on line
  • Remember my books and crafts

Enjoy the life that God has for me right now.

There's more...

When the kids lived here the living room was "theirs" - they watched tv and played video games and if what they were watching didn't appeal to me (most of the time) I stayed in my office or bedroom and watched tv there or played on the computer.

Now...the whole house is mine and I'm going to use it.  I changed the furniture around in the living room, got a new reading lamp and (darn it) I'm going to enjoy my house.  I'm going to learn how to use the DVD player on the big TV.

I'm going to read in my big comfy couch.

Above all...I need to shake this depression that grips me...the loss.  Stagnation sucks - depression sucks worse.

Several things have happened...

In my attempt to be pound my "singleness" into my brain and in that hurt, I put way too many distractions on my plate for this semester.

I've been sick and not doing much of anything.

So...I've dropped classes (even the fun one, although I may revisit that one next semester) and now that I'm feeling "better" (which is a very relative thing)

I'm committing to getting back into blogging and being active in my "normal" haunts.